Do you sometimes have one of those weeks when you wonder if you are living in some parallel universe where everything is not exactly in the right place? Well my friends I have had one of those and my head feels like a punch bag in Mike Tyson’s gym.

It didn’t start well, I got a call from my Manchester squeeze telling me that my good friend Eddie has only a few weeks to live and if I want to have somewhere to stay when I go to the funeral then I better be nice to her or my squeeze will make my life living hell.

I bit below the belt but it is what I expect from her since she left her husband and expected me to move in with her. It ain’t going to happen because I got things to do and moving into a flat with neurotic women is not on the agenda by a long shot. So I will have to be absent until the death or make other arrangements - it is always good to have a plan B.

Next came the ongoing saga over my broadband which is becoming as bore and will eventually lead me to smashing the damn thing and stuff the bill or more sensibly telling Three and Hewlett Packard to take their crappy machinery and sort it out or I will commit justified homicide on their technicians in India and South Africa and trust me I will fly out to those places and shove my date of birth, postal code and product serial number down their procedural throats. It is maddening while you are short stack with a chance of making it to the payday when your computer just freezes up!

Then came the news that a kid I knew committed suicide! He wasn’t an angel but he was only sixteen and somehow you do think that he deserved better than what he got in his short and tragic life. Some say he was bad news but I can only speak as I find, and, he was never disrespectful to me.

In fact I was having one of my sensible moments when he asked me some advice on why people hated him? I sat down and told him that you cannot expect to upset people one minute and then expect them to like you the next. If you do upset people, expect some comeback in whatever form it comes. This is what happens and when you go down that road, you basically leave a bad feeling. He did listen to me and I truly believe he took it onboard what I said to him, but, I fell out with his grandmother over a promise she made on a business matter and that was the last time I spoke to him.

When you hear bad news like that I find it easier to divert attention to objects rather than feelings, and, I decided to play poker as a ‘horse‘. A horse is a player who plays poker for a backer and gets a percentage of the winnings. My reason for this is that I wanted to get into the mind of a stacked player. The result of this exercise is that my ratings is that of a person on ’Super Tilt’. Never really heard the term before but it basically means you have played 8 tournaments and not won a bean and therefore I am rubbish and should try some other method of investing my money.

I then decided to punt heavily on Birmingham City not to lose to Portsmouth in the English Football Association Cup - which is the oldest soccer competition in the world and I have had a decent bet on Birmingham City winning the competition at 33/1! Now Portsmouth is a club in turmoil and Birmingham are not.

Portsmouth is in administration which means they are nearly bankrupt. They have the remarkable distinction of having a Russian oligarch, and, an Arabian sheik as owners’ who didn’t have any money! Birmingham City on the other hand are financially viable, absolutely sae from relegation and are hard to beat. Therefore I pumped heavily that they would not get beaten - Birmingham City lost 2 - 0!

I again decide to play some more online poker. This time I decided to right the wrong of my stats and definitely make the money. Playing Omaha which means I will play super tight and all was going well when I suddenly found myself in position 25 out of 2000+ people, I am about to make the money position when I get silly for some god forsaken and decided to play up my AA 66 which were both suited I lost to a flush and was booted out. I played Texas Hold Em, being a bit erratic but I am OK. Then my Queens was in a race against AK suited, and, AK suited gets his Ace.

So here I am on a Saturday night with a large glass of whiskey in mental anguish when I suddenly read an article that some Mickey Mouse university in Canada states that online poker relieves stress! McGill University must have some dubious research department to come out with this gem of a concept. Now I have searched everywhere for this paper and I am sure it’s out there but it is well hidden and I am now of the opinion that it was sponsored by internetonlinepoker4you.com!

Not wishing to disparage the scientist but when you hear continuous blurb about its conclusion yet no easy access to the actual research paper, alarm bells ring in my head. If I am wrong and the papers are there for all to see - fair play to them. Put if you spend an hour looking for the paper and it still not available but the headline story is everywhere it makes you think, hmmmmm!

Now that I have had my therapeutic whinge I am about to plunge into the relaxing world of suck outs, lose of money and drunkenness - happy days!

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A weekend spent watching the ups and downs of the beautiful game and not playing poker, one thing constantly came to mind, how is this making my life better?

Sure it was great watching Wayne Bridge take revenge on his former best friend John Terry for breaking the unwritten code of friends never going to the holy of holies with your best mates woman. OK they had broken up, ok he lived miles away, ok all is fair in love and war, ok she is a slapper and he is a dog. But the code remains once touched by your best friend that lady of celebrity land is now out of bounds and he should have asked for permission! No I am not some dyed in the wool misogynist its just the way it is between males.

The fact is if you do go into the holy of holies you should never get caught, as it creates bad vibe, bad karma and once that trust has been broken it can never be replaced. It is a scientific fact the 1 in 25 children is being raised by a man who does not know that he is not the father. Many guys have broken the code but have not been caught out!

So back to what I did over the weekend. Well nothing except give the bookmakers my hard earned cash in a irresponsible way, got slightly tipsy and listened to some ‘old skool’ music.  Using the poker tables to earn cash has now gone global and some new players that have come forward look the part and it should be interesting how they will develop to be the next Superstar of Online Poker.

So as I rekindle the poker juices and get back to the game of rogues, degenerates and vagabonds just take away this little idea why play badugi? Answer, because it makes you think in completely opposite to the way I was taught to think when learning poker. In badugi you go for low cards of different suits, a complete reverse to the way my mind operates at the moment.

So while you ponder whether to have a go at this South Korean curiosity, check out this amazing old skool choon by Basshead and featuring Afrika Bambaataa on vocals - altogether now ACCCCIIIIIIIIEEEEED!

Ashley and Cheryl Cole

The race has started to be the first person to go on the record for bedding the celebrity and W.A.G icon Cheryl Cole. The story of her backing dancer Derek Hough spending ‘quality time’ with Cheryl Cole, may make the prices null and void, however, the feeling is that he used rather too much hair spray, love to carry a rather dainty toy dog and walked with a very pronounced wiggle to really be in the running.

It is interesting that a bookmaker has already priced up the chances of it being the bouffant dancer and has the profession at 7/4 (2.75). This i feel is too skinny a price and should be layed with the gusto of Ashley Cole has with vibrating mobile phones - allegedly! Here are the full prices:

Dancer      7/4
Actor          3/1
Musician    5/1
Model      11/2
Sportsman Excluding A Footballer    6/1
Footballer      7/1
Presenter       7/1
Toilet Attendant 500/1

I would go for the rather tempting price of 7/1 Presenter since the rumour is that she will be on the judging panel for X Factor and undoubtedly there will be many tears about especially when our US cousins experience the fragrant Cheryl Cole nee Tweedy ’s rather irritating ‘ahl reet’ (alright) catchphrase. Where there are tears there will be much consoling and you know where that can lead. It does amazes me that this undoubtedly pretty woman can make such a wave even though she cannot sing for toffee.

Added to the above list, there should be other prices such as how much product endorsement she will get now that she can go on loads of tv programs and do loads of magazine spreads on the anguish she suffered at the hands of a typical Chelsea footballer. Here are my tissue prices for the first revelations

Magazine spread about divorce        1/4

TV program about the divorce 7/4

Cheryl Cole keeps a dignified silence  5/1

As for Ashley Cole there are prices on him leaving Chelsea which could be on the card since he has been fined for sneaking women back to his hotel when he was at an away match, playing ‘away’ as it were. Here they are:

Chelsea           1/3
Real Madrid     7/1
Barcelona        9/1
Inter Milan      11/1
Tottenham      14/1
AC Milan         14/1
Man Utd          14/1
Liverpool         16/1
Arsenal           20/1
Newcastle       33/1

The bet here has to be 11/1 Inter Milan so that José Mourinho can upset Carlo Ancelotti and Chelsea - Mourinho previous club. As well as Ashley Cole being a class if philandering left back this would really cheese Ancelotti and Roman Abramovich off and make footballing sense especially since Internazionale does not have a established  class left back. We digress!

The final thing I will say about Cheryl Cole is that there are a lot of people who are glad that she has ’separated’ from Ashley Cole and if she can just learn to sing then maybe, just maybe she can be the new Posh Spice?

John Terry

A new morality tale is unfolding in West London and it features the toxic mix of money, gambling, sex, class politics, football and drink. The England captain has been caught with his hands in his best friends former girlfriends knickers. He tried to get the courts to ban the news therefore stop the whole country from reading about it - this failed and now it will be plastered all around countries newspaper. The reason why this is big news is that in some peoples eyes being captain of England is more important than being Prime Minister of The UK.

John Terry has constantly been surrounded by this type of situation. In the old Daily Digest #43 his mother and mother in law were caught shop lifting and were given a caution. His dad was filmed acting like a drug dealer selling a few grams of cocaine to a news reporter. John Terry himself was reprimanded for making drunken fun of American tourist who were in a state of distress when they watch the attack of the Twin Towers on 9/11 at Heathrow Airport.

He has been constantly caught out having sex with numerous women, each time his wife has forgiven him,  he has been caught out trying to make a quick pound out of some racket or another. The latest racket he has been involved in was offering tours around Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge - his football club for £10,000! Why is he doing these things?

Quite simply John Terry is a gambler and likes to take risk and if you constantly take risk you will get caught out every now and then. It is an urban legend that John Terry was losing £40,000 per week! OK he is on £170,000 per week at Chelsea plus his numerous endorsement making his wealth to be about £17 million so he is not in the poor house, however, if this is true then he is want is known in the trade as a mug gambler.

As a mug gambler there is a need to replenish resources constantly and John Terry exhibits these qualities in abundance. So he has to get another source of income other than the day job. Some mug punters have a second job others use credit cards, some even resort to robbery or fraud. The fact is mug punters lose and lose heavily, hence their need to stock up the bank balance. In fact the whole family seem to be mug punters as I detailed above.

John Terry last big bet was trying to gag the countries newspapers to stop the story going out about his relationship with his best friends ex who is also mother to his child. Apparently Wayne Bridge is spitting fire at the ‘betrayal’ with his long time girlfriend Vanessa Perroncel - a lingerie model. Wayne Bridge has just recently broke up with Vanessa Perroncel and has made it be known that he will have nothing to do with John Terry - which makes it a bit difficult since they are both in the England national side.

Will John Terry lose the England captaincy - you betcha! The surprising thing about this tale is that it wasn’t about his wife knowing it was more about him losing the very lucrative sponsorship deals, just like the Tiger Woods saga. The difference being this could be the destroying of John Terry because unlike Tiger Woods Terry likes to gamble and gamble big. He bets at rubbish odds and is known as a mug punter. This could be the beginning of the end for John Terry - not good if you want to win the World Cup 2010.

Here are the videos of john Terry’s dad doing the drug deal and John Terrys mom and mother in law tale about shoplifting.

Here is some dodgy football antics featuring women soccer players and spectators. Also as a special treat the first of the Christmas songs but with a difference these are about the need to look after the bankers and their bonuses. Enjoy!

Ali G in Staines

There is a football team called Millwall and they have a reputation for soccer hooliganism. I have witnessed the hooliganism when I was going to a friends wedding and got caught up in a middle of a full scale riot involving Millwall fans, apparently they lost 1 - 0 to Sheffield Wednesday.

Now Millwall are in a fA Cup game with Staines a place made famous by Ali G. Staines is socially a million miles away from Millwall and the residents are up in arms about the potential for trouble involving Millwall fans. So the wags and jokers of Millwall have been ‘winding up’ the residents on the Staines News website, promising murder and mayhem. Some of the comments have been hilarious and will take ages to read which means that it keeps you of the table for ages with constant need for tissues for the tears of laughter. Here are some of the comments, spot the one comment which maybe true?

Superintendent Duncan Greenhalgh said:

I’d just like to remind residents in Wheatsheaf Lane that parking any kind of vehicle in your rear garden is a breach of the road traffic act 1966 and would result in a fixed penalty notice. I personally will be attending a grenade diversity training course that weekend but our community officers will be available to give commendations for the best use of weapons of mass destruction, and geraniums.

November 18, 2009 1:46 PM

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Yep my view is that ‘Concerned Resident’ is the genuine one. Here is the brilliant Ali G doing General Levi’s Incredible and a video of a West Ham United v Millwall riot.

Jack Reynard present a football special without Jack Reynard commentating. He has a bad throat, however, because the news is so miserable he has compiled the famous Kevin Keegan rant, Delia Smith drunken hooligan routine and Hull City trying their best to make their team the laughing stock of football.

This Easter weekend marks the start of the serious betting season, with the summer games taking over from the winter games. The winter games (mainly football or soccer for our US/Canadian friends) coming to a conclusion and the bookmakers are gearing up for the bonanza of the flat season. Just a little tip with the credit crunch/recession/depression - really make the bookies work for your money. They will be loads of special deals and offers abound so take advantage of them.

Also its beginning of all sorts of dreams for the holy grail of the World series of Poker and the chance for many obscure poker players attempt to make a name for themselves to have a go at the big one and become a sensation such as Peter Eastgate - last years sensation. The fact that Eastmann made his way through the online route to reach the pinnacle of the poker world is the dream of all online poker players and that includes me.

You know the odds are prohibitive and the hours of work will be stressful but what is the point of playing poker if not to aim for the big prize? Straight away you can imagine the guffaws from those online sharks that make a living playing 8 - 12 screens at once and nicking a £1 from each one every 20 minutes or so.
But for us romantics and frankly mug online players it’s a form of relaxation in a video game sense, as well as a way to earn a crust when we have a chance.

Obviously I have to try and get to the table of gold because I feel that I can hold my own with the best of the best. My only faults are a) I am too reckless, b) too impatient and c) I am too wasteful. But you never know I do have my moments and I can still dream.

Talking about dreams it has been amusing seeing how the bookies have reacted to last week Grand National in which they are complaining that the 100/1 big outsider Mon Mome was not a major benefit for them because in total they only made £30 million and not the £210 million as been reported! We punters must try harder to lose more money to the bookies to make sure that their share prices remain buoyant and the bookmakers keep the lifestyle they have become used too! Somehow I think the bookies ‘..doth protest too much…’

Anyway since I will probably fall at the final hurdle of making it too the final of the WSOP (not from the lack of trying I should add), I will take solace in the new innovations that I maybe involved in for the online poker scene (which it surely needs badly) and of course the pleasure of discovering more ’Poker Totty’. Which in my view is the greatest piece of blogging endeavour  every undertaken by a poker playing reprobate and degenerate - and there ain’t many of them about is there?

Jack Reynard is not in a happy mood after some severe beatings on the poker tables and now needs some amorous attention from people of the female persuasion. He is seriously considering reforming his pop group ‘Automatic Energy’ and do a Spandau Ballet too get laid….

In this edition the curious story of England football team captain John Terry Mother and Mother-in-law being cautioned for shop lifting.

Allegedly lawyers behaving badly - apparently at £250 an hour, and, the reunion of New Romantics Spandau Ballet with the rehashing of all their hits like True, Gold etc - for women of a certain age there will not be a dry pair of knickers in the house…