Things to do when playing live poker.

Got these gems from some of my online buddies and its all about making yourself the center of attention and hopefully getting the players to play the way you want them to play.


If in doubt Raise, if the cards look pretty Raise, if you want to play the hand Raise, failing that fold.

Obviously this is a very blunt way of playing the noble game of hustlers and rogues and you should always play the situation first, but in the end can anyone come up with a better strategy?

Preparation for Live Tournament Play

1) Spend all of today watching YouTube videos on chip riffling.

2) Ditto the above re card shuffling.

3) Beg, steal or borrow a rap superstar hoodie. If all else fails, nip into town and obtain a sports one.

4) Dig out those vintage Ray Bahns.

5) Continually annoy the table by “forgetting” to put in your blinds.

6) Always say – “Sorry is it me to go? I fold.”

7) If……you make it to the first break, continually bore your new found “friends” with such stories as – “I had to call him. I put him on air. Hey, that’s the firs time in eons that I’ve hit runner, runner when my tournament life’s has been put on the line. It’s usually me that gets sucked out on……”

8 ) Bubble

9) Go onto a poker forum following day and inform everyone of the “shocking standard of live play”

10) Go to bed with the mantra “I’m a winner goddamit! I’ll show those f*cking shmuks next time” reverberating ad finitum in your head.

11) Go straight to the casino from work on the building site without washing.

12) Wear too much jewellery.

12) Tell whoever is listening about how you can’t go to Vegas due to some sort previous criminal conviction.

13) Order a crisp sandwich from the waitress and munch it messily over the table while making a decision.
14) Suck out loudly and ungraciously.

15) Be an utter sleazebag to the hot lady dealer.

16) When there’s a multi-way all-in with side pots, get stuck in trying to sort it all out, especially if you’re not in the hand.

17) Mess about with your iPod when the dealer wants a decision.

18) Make farting noises when someone has just lost a big pot.

19) Shake the hand of a loser who went all in with a pair of two’s and say hard luck.

20) When someone shows there hand to you, refuse to do the same even though you won.