The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

The problem of being involved in poker, pubs and online marketing is that you do end up dealing with a load of nutters, dreamers and plain downright weirdo’s. I would like to put myself in this category and probably include politicians.

C’mon lets be honest when you play poker you are basically putting money on a turn of a card! This is downright silly and dangerous. Just as in the beer business you basically give drugs to people who may be on the brink of doing something crazy and online marketing…well do I have to spell it out?

With politicians to say that they are or even borderline psychotic is doing psychosis a dis-services. All politicians and leaders are mad. They have to be! As a politician you are dealing with life and death issues that impinge on people you will probably never meet and not having a sense of what you are doing makes that particular job very un-natural.

Back to poker. At the moment I am dealing with a crazy person who is so bent and twisted that they cannot even lie straight in a bed. This person makes up some of the funniest tales you will likely to hear they only problem with them is that they have something I want and need, so I have to swallow the crap and play along with them until the moment comes when I can tell them to jump of a cliff.

They tell me tales of their illness, business deals, more illness, bad luck, business deals etc etc and all the time I have this gut wrenching pain, just dying to tell them shut up because it is all lies. While during one poker session I let it be known that I have not met their permanent detective who is supposed to be looking after them and all they could say is that I should not mention this in public as it could compromise their safety…AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!

 My desire to tell them to STFU is over whelming. I could do it right now but timing is everything and the way they play poker is enough to make you puke it is so silly. So to all those Walter Mitty types out there, ”…hello my name is Jack Reynard and I listen to idiots for a living, please to meet you….”!

Danny Kaye - The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Empty Pubs

Ignorance is bliss, stupidity is wonderful!

The next person who tells me they want to think about having an empty pub or a thriving pub then I shall scream from the highest point my phrase of the year ‘Ignorance is bliss, stupidity is wonderful’! Why do you have to think about the reason for not having a lively, busy pub? Are you working to some master plan that even Warren Buffet could not decipher?

At least 3 people who I know have said to me with all sincerity that looking at a new marketing strategy to overcome a empty pub needs careful consideration. Yes they believe that sticking with the present marketing strategy which has produced a completely empty pub is the way to go.

Some see it as a slight to their personality to consider a challenge to their opinion as some sort of neutering process. An attack on their business acumen and a threat to their command of best business practices. New ideas are to be looked at with suspicion. Crying in their beer at the lack of customers becomes a soothing exercise that should not be ignored as they tempt new owners with the joy of a lack of ‘good will’ and the joy of a over ambitious business rate and over priced beer order which is tantamount to being bashed and being told they should be happy that they are bashed.

The pub industry is dying and the pool of silly people wanting the challenge of running a ‘boozer’ becomes ever smaller. Why would anyone with their mind intact take on a business that has no prospect, with bills that make no sense? 

There is a way out but it takes some clear thinking and truth. Do not say that you ‘re taking more than you are. It is simple to work out what figure you have from the amount of people in your pub. If 10 people are drinking 5 pints of lager in a evening then once you know the price all you have to do is multiply the relevant figures. It is not rocket science!

If there is one person in the pub on a Thursday night and you have to think about changing your marketing strategy then welcome to the mad house because you’re insane! It should not have got to this stage in which you are re-evaluating your marketing strategy. It didn’t work in the beginning and it ain’t working now. 

OK you may see yourself as the next Donald Trump looking to change the premises into a nursing home or a block of flats. Well in the meantime why not try something new to earn some money now? What do you have to lose? Pub poker is very cheap and easy to run. Quiz nights are even more simpler. Promotion cannot be easier it just need the will and the effort to do something wonderful. Yes passion means loving what you do. If you do not love what you do then it wont work.

Like I said running a empty pub is just lazy and unforgivable. It is not down to smoking or drugs or TV it is down to YOU! Art in the pub, music for everyone, safety is paramount, being pleasant is so under-rated.

The government will have to cut taxes for the pub beer price, but, so will tied pub companies. Charging more than the local wholesaler is a crime. So get your head out of your as* and stop thinking about it.

Empty Pub - another failed strategy

IPC: We are the True Voice of Publicans

The newly formed Independent Pub Confederation last night told a meeting of MPs that it and not the BBPA was the true voice of publicans and lessees and set out a clear set of proposals which it believes will deliver the change required to secure the future of the British Pub.

Speaking at a meeting of the All Party Parliamentary Beer Group convened to discuss the recent pub trade mediation, the ongoing BESC inquiry and the OFT Report, members of the IPC unveiled the umbrella group’s manifesto for change. The BBPA refused to appear alongside the IPC and the two group’s briefed MPs separately.

Kate Nicholls the Secretary of the IPC said:

“The BBPA’s failure to debate the issue openly with the IPC in front of MPs means that they have forfeited the right to be considered the voice of the publican. We stand ready to debate and work with any interested party – any time, any place, anywhere.

“The IPC is the body which is standing up for the long-term interests of pubs. We have set out a clear list of changes which the industry needs to deliver to fully respond to the concerns of the Business and Enterprise Select Committee. These include ensuring that tied agreements offer tenants clear and quantifiable benefits by allowing tied tenants the choice of going free of tie when leases are renewed or at rent reviews and ensuring that rents are set at a level which takes account of the need of tenants to earn a living from their businesses and ensures that tied tenants are not financially worse of the than free of tie tenants.

“We challenge the BBPA be clear about the changes they are proposing to deliver this. To date, they have yet to do so or even openly publish their revised code. In the absence of meaningful proposals on these issues, we can do nothing but concur with the Business and Enterprise Committee conclusion that that Government intervention in the market is required, including a reference by Ministers to the Competition Commission.”

At last night’s meeting of the All Party Parliamentary Beer Group CAMRA made it clear to MPs that they rejected the response of the OFT to their super-complaint and would be working with other members of the IPC to refer ties to the Competition Commission.

Jonathan Mail, CAMRA’s Head of Policy and Public Affairs said:

“The OFT has spectacularly missed the point that restricted competition in the wholesale market will inevitably harm consumers. Their analysis established that prices in tied pubs were 8 pence a pint higher than prices in free of tie pubs but concluded that this difference was marginal. The OFT perversely excluded lower managed pub prices from this analysis; did not take into account that greater competition would bring down prices across the board; nor did they consider differing levels of amenity.”

“It appears that the OFT have misdirected themselves as to their responsibilities under the Enterprise Act 2002 and that they have failed to take reasonable steps to properly understand the pub sector. CAMRA is therefore lobbying Government to overturn the OFT’s decision and to refer the issue of supply ties to the Competition Commission for a market investigation.”