The brilliant Viz magazine
After another bad day at the office (lost serious money on the horses and could not make up the short fall on the poker tables) I was reminded that life is about having fun and not crying over spilt milk (I never cry this is just a analogy for my losing money – I hope you understand).
So here are some classic Viz letters which I hope you too will find amusing. Some of them are a bit dated in a historical sense but nevertheless they are still funny.
• Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s minge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway
• What’s gone wrong with the world today, nowadays I can’t even beat the wife about a bit without fear of intervention from social services or even fear of prosecution. It’s PC gone mad.
• Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with
the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours
• What is it with diabetics? One minute they’re on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming “Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!” The next day20someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say “No thanks, I’m diabetic.” I wish they’d get their story straight.
• I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
• WHY DON’T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
• Why is it that pubs wont serve me if I’m drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.
• Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
• How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the ‘n’ word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son’s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it’s one law for the rich and another for the poor
• The person who coined the phrase “as different as chalk and cheese” obviously hadn’t tasted Kwik Save’s cheddar.
• They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn’t. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
• If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn’t it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
• In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter ‘B’ – Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
• These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
• We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she “bravely remained in London beside her husband” during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France
(again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
• Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the
people of London . That’s because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .
• I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
• Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
• So Sting is able to sh*g his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
• I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?